"Great acts are made up of small deeds." ~Lao Tzu
Thanks for the #ff mentions, guys. Too bad I'm holiday weekending & won't be able to tweet often. But fuck, pubes, & balls for good measure.
To man in Charlotte using the kid urinal: Sorry I nudged my son as he tried to pee into the adult one. Your shirt should be dry by Syracuse.
SONOFABITCH. I had *just* put away my Palin jokes for the summer. Now I gotta dig through the boxes.
It's called Infinite Summer because you spend an infinite amount of time trying to set aside time to read the fucking thing. #infsum
Well I'm going to miss Sarah. Until she came along I had no idea where Russia was.
Just saw shoe-polish car graffiti with an emoticon smiley face. OUR TEENS DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE REGULARLY-ORIENTED SMILEY FACES ANYMORE.
@essdogg Did you check to make sure you didn't also move your MIL into your house as well? Just asking.
K-Mart could sell a lot more clothes if they paid attractive people to pretend to shop there.
DC is a great backdrop for muggings.
Me: You've gotten fat.
Her: That's my woman layer.
Me: What? Like Buffalo Bill?
IT PUTS THE LOTION ON THE WOMAN LAYER!
Her: I hate you.
TLC has revealed my inner midget fetish.
Executive Fascinated By Electrician's Lunch http://bit.ly/12qj84
Thanks for the Follow Friday mentions, homies! I shall think of you fondly for the next 5 minutes. Then I will think about beer again.
Tweetily deedily deet *whistle* tweetily deedily deet!
This has to be some sort of Elmer Fudd-esque logical quandry gambit to get Obama to also resign early.
Spent the day moving furniture from my mother-in-law's overstuffed basement into our overstuffed house. God bless America.
Just back from market where I bought all healthy, organic, fruity, nutty type digestibles. I feel like a small woodland animal.(wiggle nose)
I'm scared. At least when Palin was governor, we had a general idea where she was located. Now she's free range. Hold me.
I WAS WRONG! She made it at fucking 5:55. FIVE FUCKING FIFTY-FIVE. Who does that?!
Männer zollen mir Respekt, weil mein Rechner sich ihnen optisch als Baustelle präsentiert.Dabei krieg ich den bloß nicht zusammengeschraubt.
I'm not crying like a little girl. I'm weeping like your prostate.
The 1 good thing about Eddie Murphy's "Imagine That" is that the black actors in it didn't have to degrade themselves in a Tyler Perry film
If you spray a booger with Lysol, it's still a booger. And I still just said booger. 3 times.
Hardly any of the boys at my school got pregnant.
Hay una línea tan delgada entre ser sofisticado y ser gay. Te pueden gustar algo de zara, pero si te gusta todo eres gay
Dance, party of one, in the magnetic gray Prius at Hickman & Merle Hay.
You're like the Steve Guttenberg of twitter.
While cooking dinner, the kids jumped up and down, mouths open like cute baby birds.
Which is why I threw up on them like a mommy bird.
Blackberry? No problem! Save $10 bucks with @Yowza at Pier ! Imports. Use code #2698 at register. You're welcome...
Palin, Schmalin. How is Tina Fey taking the news?
@theduty Aww, you're so cute when you pretend you're funnier than me!
Took my first Jiu-Jitsu class tonight. On the way home, I scaled the side of a building and avenged my father's death.
Take my July 4th advice. No matter how much liquor you've consumed - don't blow up anything you might need later. Like your hands and shit.
I'm so excited! I just got a record deal with Joe Jackson's record company!!
There's a line in front of the Apple store today. You know how many of those people will own a Palm Pre a month from now?
How come, in movies, when people get carjacked, all they can think to say is "Hey! That's my car!"?
Friday night: Eating leftover spaghetti and watching "The Wizard of Oz" in pjs. AS SPINSTERLY.
Looks like we're gonna get that Sarah and Bristol mother/daughter Playboy spread 18 months ahead of schedule.
Even without an iPhone @Yowza saves you money. Just say Yowza!!1 at the register at Container Store to save 15%
These words are coming from INSIDE this sentence.
I'm not just killing time. I'm straight up murdering it.
I love my creative Peeps. Keep more coming: http://bit.ly/SAT4c
You ever smelled saran wrap before? Come here.
My Political Tweet: Sarah Palin smells like a butt.
Grr people are wrong on the internet http://xkcd.com/386/
